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My Fabulous Failures With E Harmony

By now, I’m sure you’ve heard about e-harmony (  Your television is filled with commercials of wonderful loving couples who claim to have met the person of their dreams through this site.  Some of them have even lived in the same town, only mere miles from one another, and never in all their growing up, seem to have crossed paths.  The big kick e Harmony has is it’s online profile (a $40 value).  You see, it’s not about attraction, it’s about science.  So come on down to e and get yourself on the road to finding your perfect partner today!

Ok that sounded pretty good, so about three years ago, I decided to give it a shot.  I love taking personality tests anyway, so the test wouldn’t be an unpleasant thing, and I’d had some (albeit psycho and dismal) experience with places like  The test is a bit of a time comsumer, as you are taken through over 15 pages of multiple choice continuum questions where you answer ‘not at all’ to ‘somewhat’ to ‘very much.’  After my lack of success with finding the right person, I was looking forward to seeing what science could do for me.

Apparantely it couldn’t do much.  I failed.  I FAILED!  OK let’s think about this for a second.  This is an ONLINE, FOR PROFIT dating site.  Their goal is to MAKE MONEY, right?  After slogging through all of those pages, I get this message that says ‘we’re sorry, but there are some people we just can’t help, and we figured we’d be honest about it rather than take your money.  Eh?  That’s ethical, I suppose. 

So what this means is that I am SO OUT THERE that not even a FOR PROFIT ONLINE DATING SERVICE can’t help me.  I started thinking about this, and rather than run…somewhere crying to…someone, I chose to look at it in a different light.  By failing a simple e Harmony test, I must be so unique, so finely tuned and strangely put together, that they of the common masses cannot help me.  They cannot help me because I am NOT one of the common masses.  I am SO unique that I’m not matchable; no matter that I had my credit card ready and waiting. 

Since then, a lot has happened.  When I took this, I was still in the throes of my little drug habit.  I was still living in the middle of nowhere in northern Vermont, and maybe those played a role, I thought.  Maybe they just couldn’t help me because there just weren’t that many people in the 49th least populated state in the country.

Today isn’t a particularly busy day here at the plant, and I can’t say that I’m really motivated (ok at work, I am almost never motivated) to do some sort of busywork that I very well should have been doing, and for some reason that catchy commercial with that older guy and all those ultra super happy couples came in to mind, and I said to myself, ‘I’m different now, I live in Hawaii, I’ve been sober for almost 2 years, I’m holding down a job, and I’m leading what pretty much what most would consider a normal life; maybe I’ve changed.  Maybe I’m normal.  The fact that I have a boyfriend aside, maybe there are people out there who would find me stunning and mesmerizing and want to be in my presence at all times.  So, given the small amount of work I had to do, I decided I would take it again and see if my personality had changed enough to be accepted into their world.  This was for research ONLY; I was already quite content with the beau I have.

Nope.  Twice taken, twice rejected I have been from these people.  Since I’m sure all of you will pass it with flying colors, here’s what you get when you ‘fail’ at e Harmony:

eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process.

We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish happy, lasting relationships that we sometimes choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.

Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time.”

Alas, again I have failed.  But then a strange thing happened by accident.  I was trying to copy “eharmony” onto a page, and it accidentally got copied onto the Wikipedia search box.  Go take a look at that, dear readers.  Go on, go to and see what comes up.  I certainly wasn’t expecting it, but it does give a good reason as to why they haven’t wanted my sorry ass within their ranks these years.

By no means do I discount anyone who’s reading this who also has a great eharmony relationship, but man, when I saw the words “evangelical Christian,” I took a sigh of relief.  I know I’m ‘off.’  I know I’m strange, odd, difficult, goofy, but I also know I’m smart, fun, interesting, well read, and a whole bunch of other good things.  I don’t need validation from some hard core right wing dating site.  Now, I’m glad, no, ECSTATIC that I failed…twice.  Maybe I should create an online dating site for all of those who’ve failed eHarmony’s.

But I bet my boyfriend wouldn’t be too stoked about that.


  Mr. Bill wrote @ June 16th, 2008 at 3:52 am

Where to start … first of all, if you haven’t learned one of life’s biggest lessons, it’s there’s no One-size-fits-All for anything. And it seems that eHarmony makes this clear right up front. They are also catering to the majority, which also will clearly not work for everyone, but that is their right. Their methodology in selecting certain individuals (and how they pair them up) clearly works for them, and seems to benefit their clients as well in that they seem to sustain longer, happier relationships over other similar services. That methodology may have proven itself not to work for folks outside of their screening criteria — is it so wrong then to not bring this information out in the open with them being up front with it to you? Wouldn’t you be more upset if they just went along (like so many others) and took your money and gave you poor matches? You yourself admit to not being typical, so what’s the beef? They have every right to screen individuals in manners that for them and their clients have worked. And I’m sure you’re not the first to be turned down by them, nor will you be the last. Simply accept their honesty and try another (if you wish) knowing that they simply are not right for you — and that which will work for you may very well not be right for others. Oh, and by-the-way … they didn’t work out for me either! Big deal.

  Sarah Anne wrote @ June 18th, 2008 at 4:13 pm

Mr. Bill-Of course I am glad to be saving some ducats for something they say wouldn’t work for me. Actually, has made a pretty good ad campaign about this, because approximately 20% of those who sign up at eHarmony do get rejected.

Believe me, I took the rejection as a compliment. To think that I am so unique, so particularly specially put together that I can not be accepted onto a FOR PROFIT dating website makes me even more one of a kind than I already am. I mean, hell, even if you’re a ‘one in a million’ type person, it still means that there are 6,819 people who are EXACTLY like you right now. So bring it on, I say.

What I found ironic is the fact that this is a FOR PROFIT site. I know that guy seems to really care about compatibility, but commercials cost money, and computer programs cost money. I don’t think our global population is threatened just yet, nor do I think eHarmony is THAT altruistic.

Meanwhile, I’ll be basking in the glow that can only come from knowing that the God broke the mold after I was made…

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